There’s some weird, awful, self-fulfilling circle going on here.
Lesbian and gay people dislike having bi people in their circles, due to any number of reasons, so they exclude them.
The bi people are scared to go into “queer” spaces, so they live their lives in heterosexual spaces (not quite fitting in) and eventually wind up in het paired relationships.
The lesbian and gay people yell “AHA I KNEW IT MOST BISEXUAL PEOPLE WIND UP IN HET PAIRED RELATIONSHIPS FAKERSSS” and their negative opinions about bisexuals are affirmed.
More bi people are excluded, winding up in het relationships, scared to enter queer spaces.
The cycle continues.
How are bi people supposed to meet other queer people to befriend and love and date and fuck if we aren’t allowed in queer spaces in the first place?
I agree and disagree.
I disagree that it is solely the action of gay people excluding bi people from their circles that causes bi people to seek out hetero relationships. Homophobia and internalized misogyny definitely affects bi people and can cause certain bisexuals who are still very much ashamed or afraid of their same-sex attractions to focus more on their different-sex attractions. I was guilty of this in middle school when I attempted to convince myself that my feelings for girls were nothing but a phase, a trick of the mind, and that it would all go away because there was no way I was anything but straight. Well, those feelings obviously didn’t go away and I ended up having to deal with an immense amount of shame and disgust with myself rooted in both homophobia and biphobia. I’m sure many other bisexuals go through this process as well and the ones that don’t learn to fully accept themselves might choose, whether consciously or subconsciously, to not pursue same-sex relationships. These bisexuals shouldn’t be seen as “bad bisexuals” since they are affected by homophobia and are being hurt by heteronormative society, and it should be acknowledged that heteronormativity is the culprit in this case.
On the other hand you do make a good point that a self-fulfilling cycle exists and I agree that being hostile towards bisexuals in lgbtq spaces can nudge insecure and vulnerable bisexuals in the other direction, away from spaces in which they would have had a big chance of engaging in lgbtq discussions, debates, learning more about crucial issues, as well as receiving support that they do not get from hetero people. And, of course, meeting more lgbtq people to form a romantic and/or sexual relationship with.
Frankly, I only have one solution in mind and that is to place less focus on pleading to be let in queer/lgbtq spaces that actively exclude bisexuals, and focus more on making our own spaces and helping each other out. It’s easier said than done because bisexuals are all over the place and can be hard to find and organize, but I wish we could at least try and see if things would be better if bi people talked, debated, and intermingled amongst ourselves.
Is it wrong that I’m actually starting to agree with Dan Savage (as crudely as he puts it) when he tells bisexuals to just “f
uck date each other”?
To be blunt: I am sick of the “dating question” when it comes to bisexuals. At this point, I don’t care. If someone doesn’t want to be involved with a bisexual person, even if it is for the most messed up reasons possible (“all bis are fakers and sluts and cheaters”), it still should be acknowledged that everyone has the right to not date whomever they don’t want to date.
I just wish to let the dating question go. If you ever encounter a straight or gay person who wants nothing to do with you, leave them be. You don’t have to agree with their reasons, but you have to respect their word when they say “no”.
I’m not saying that I’m advocating full-fledged “bisexual separatism”, but I think it is for the best if we make our own spaces and seek each other out rather than waiting around for a straight person who isn’t homophobic/biphobic, or a gay person who doesn’t run in the other direction as soon as the b word comes out. The more of us that are in close proximity to one another, the bigger chances we have of helping each other out and making ourselves visible.
Also, this is kind of off-topic, but I see people talking about how bisexuals need to fight back against stereotypes ourselves and while I do somewhat agree, I have to say something pessimistic but also realistic: stereotypes will always exist. No matter how many myth-busting lists we make, no matter how many people we talk to and showcase how “good” bisexuals exist, there will always be someone out there who will hold onto stereotypes and utilize them against us.
I can protect myself.
we are taking back what is ours
After reading someone claiming that a lot of blogs centered on bisexuality are run by “adult cis-women who have been in heterosexual relationships exclusively” I think I’ve pretty much had enough.
Ignoring the fact that the above statement is flat-out incorrect, I’ve had enough with the same discussions over and over again about bisexuals in heterosexual relationships. Not because it isn’t important; because it’s a topic that is brought up all the time and discussed to death in a myriad of ways by practically everyone. Passing privilege, straight privilege, gender conforming, gender nonconforming, being closeted, being out, and the upsides and downsides of erasure have all been discussed in relation to bisexuals in hetero relationships. The implication that blogs about bisexuality are all run by cis bi women exclusively partnered with men who are self absorbed, naive, and unaware of such discussions is false.
Why is “bi woman partnered exclusively with men” such a hot topic amongst LGBT people? Are such women truly invading spaces and flaunting their passing privilege to spite every same-sex partnered person around her? I don’t doubt that people like this exist, but I doubt that it’s the mission (intentional or not) of every bi women partnered with a man to saunter in LG exclusive spaces and make everything about her. Why do I doubt this?
Because bisexuals have discussions about passing privilege/straight privilege all the damn time. Bisexual women in particular are reminded of this frequently. Any bisexual person who is at the very least somewhat involved in LGBT activism/spaces is probably aware of how their relationship status affects them and others around them; how being in a hetero relationship while being bi works around straight people and gay people; how there are some things to be mindful and respectful of while in such a relationship when in LGBT spaces. We’re not all ignorant or in need of enlightenment.
This is why I find the need for bi exclusive spaces to be so important. Because, yes, it’s understandable why people in same-sex relationships or with exclusive same-sex attraction would want different-sex partnered bi people to go somewhere else, but’s it’s not only because of that. Bi people, regardless of who we’re with, really need spaces of our own so we don’t have these same talked-to-death discussions over and over again and never get anything done or learn anything new other than new ways of being hostile to one another.
I like the word ‘pansexual’. Bisexual is so static and, well, binary. It’s like an uncomfortable suit, half-hetero and half-homo stitched together.
Not only does ‘pansexual’ recognise a range of genders, it also ‘pans’ like a leisurely moving camera. Sometimes you might be attracted to one gender more than others, and ‘pansexual’ is totally cool with that.
It’s okay to like the word ‘pansexual’ and it’s okay to feel a much stronger connection to it than the word ‘bisexual’.
But please refrain from imposing generalizations on bisexuality when it is definitely not static or binary for everyone. There are fluid bisexuals that are attracted to one gender more than others and occasionally move along the spectrum of sexuality. There are nonbinary bisexuals who do not see anything limiting or restrictive about bisexuality. There are bisexuals who recognize the existence of genders beyond man-woman, and define bisexuality in many ways, none of which refer to a binary.
Are there bisexuals who do not know about the existence of nonbinary genders? Yes. But there are just as many straight and gay people who are not aware either. Bisexuality does not hold up the gender binary any more than heterosexuality or homosexuality.
I am coming off as overprotective over the bisexual label, and it’s because there are many pansexuals who assume that all bisexuals are binarist and are only attracted to cis feminine women and cis masculine men when that isn’t the case. I honestly can’t even count the numerous times that pansexuals have looked down on bisexuals for being too limited, outdated, transphobic, or binarist simply because of the prefix ‘bi-‘.
And, to be blunt, describing bisexuality as “an uncomfortable suit, half-hetero and half-homo stitched together” is gross.
‘Pansexual’ is not inherently more fluid, open-minded, or exceptional than ‘bisexual’. There’s nothing wrong with being pansexual and preferring to call oneself pansexual, but there is something definitely wrong when you have to bash a fellow multisexual identity in the process.
Azura — Queen of Dawn and Dusk, The Mother Soul
Boethiah — Goddess of Destruction, She-Who-Erases
Nocturnal — the Night Mistress, Lady Luck
Meridia — Lady of Life and Infinite Energies
Game of Thrones, blue - asked by anon
Q: What’s the difference between a heterosexual and a het-partnered bi?
A: Trick question, there is no difference.
There is a difference. A bisexual person in a heterosexual relationship is still bisexual. Bisexuals do not turn straight or gay when they enter a monogamous relationship.
And yes, if a bi person is in a hetero relationship, they will attain straight passing privilege and be (incorrectly) seen as heterosexual by people who do not know their true sexual orientation. There’s no denial of that fact.
However, a bi person does not all of a sudden have their same sex desires and experiences rendered obsolete when they enter a hetero relationship. All of the homophobia, heterosexism, and negativity they’ve ever experienced for their sexuality still matters and will always matter. Not to mention that a straight person will never have to come out to their different sex partner, while a bisexual person will have to make the tough decision of either hiding a part of themselves from their partner or coming out to them. The possible repercussions of coming out as bisexual in a hetero relationship can be painful. Bisexual women in particular are vulnerable to cases of domestic and sexual violence when they are partnered with straight men. And don’t even get me started on the disgusting amount of homophobia straight women direct towards bisexual men.
Seeing posts like yours makes me wonder: everything a bi person has endured through does not matter anymore when they enter a heterosexual relationship? Any activism or work they’ve done for lgbt people is considered meaningless or on the same level of a straight ally?
As I’ve said, I know that there are many privileges that come with being in a heterosexual relationship. I will never disclaim that. Bisexuals do have to be aware of this. But if that was the intention of your post, you’ve made it poorly; it reads more as if you’re claiming that bisexuals in heterosexual relationships might as well be heterosexual and do not count anymore as a part of the lgbt community.
Can I also just say I’m super fucking thankful for bi tumblr right now?
A few of you are writing every day (or damn near it) about bisexuality and I really appreciate having you all on my dash and in my internet-space
I would sit through a million fandom posts I’m not a part of for the gems y’all write about your lives
Just powerful smart shit on my dash all the time and it makes me feel a lot better about life
Won’t tag y’all in case it’s embarrassing or w/e but bisexualmind, twbasketcase, absquesetentia, landfillpoet, southcarolinaboy, perseidbadger, bidyke, pareia, etc etc etc I know I’m forgetting someone but if I did know that I didn’t mean to
Big hug y’all. Quality blogs, quality people. Improving my quality of life.
This is very sweet. I feel the same way about a lot of bi people here on tumblr as well. Tumblr has its downsides, but one great upside is the ability to connect with some amazing people who you wouldn’t have known in real life.
Even though I am currently taking a long break from tumblr, I still lurk here and there and catch up on interesting posts. It’s always nice to know that there’s a whole community here to help and listen. I really can’t adequately express how thankful I am.
Flemeth once told me that temptation lies in the forbidden. ‘Do not follow me,’ I said, and slipped into the shadows. Some doors should never be re-opened. —Morrigan, Dragon Age Origins. (★)
“Woman?” She chuckled. “Is that meant to insult me? I would return the slap, if I took you for a man.” Dany met his stare. “I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders, and queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.”
Temple of Poseidon, Greece by ayiomamaitis
I’ve reblogged like a billion pictures of this particular temple and it still doesn’t get old to me.